An Open Letter to the Xbox

Dear Xbox,
How have you been? I hear things are going well for you. I wish I could say the same for myself. It feels like it’s been ages since you and I had a real heart to heart conversation. Lately, you’ve been so busy trying to be hip that you don’t even seem like the same rebellious console I feel in love with years ago. You and I are drifting apart…
Let’s be honest with ourselves; I know that you’ve been flirting with the Casual Gamers for years. Every time we go to E3 or GDC you can’t take your focus off of them. It’s downright embarrassing and I just want you to know that people are talking behind your back. It’s so obvious that you’re jealous of the Wii and its relationship with those Casual Gamer bimbos. Don’t let Nintendo make you feel self conscious! So what if the Wii’s controller is technically longer than yours? You have the girth, and it’s all about how you use it, right? Besides, rumor has it that the Wii’s controller doesn’t even work properly without the aid of a “performing enhancing” peripheral.
I know you see Sony out there trying to get a piece of that trampy Casual tail, but so what? If Sony jumped off a cliff, would you do it too? Besides, Casuals may be easy, but those shallow sluts will never love you like I do. Who was there for you when you were nothing but a big, ugly, black box requiring a remote to play DVDs? Me! Who supported you when you started a pay service to play games online? Me! I took you in when those Casual Ho-Bags didn’t even know your name! Don’t forget who made you what you are today!
Speaking of Xbox Live, what’s up the recent hike in subscription fees? You say it’s to cover the cost of exclusives, but you are so transparent. I won’t let you lie to me anymore. I know you need this cash to cover the cost of the little “Kinect” project for your Casuals. Also, what’s up with that last dashboard update? How can you still look me in the eye and tell me that those Casuals aren’t airheads? “Press right on the thumbstick to move right, and the A button to select.” Seriously? You can’t even get the update if you didn’t know that! Don’t patronize me, Xbox Three Sixty.
I’m sorry. I know seem a bit hostile. I’ve just felt a little neglected lately. I just want things to go back to the way they were. Remember when we used to sit up late at night while ripping all my CDs onto your hard drive? Or how excited you and I both were when I first plugged into your Ethernet port? Or how satisfying it was when we got headshots on those tea bagging griefers? Or how we laughed and laughed at Nintendo’s failed “Friend Code” system?
I guess all I am saying is that I miss the attention you used to give me. We’ve had some good times Xbox. Please don’t throw them all away.
Love,
The “Hardcore” Gamer Audience
PS: Who am I kidding? I’ll always take you back. I just can’t quit you, Xbox.