RAGE Against The (Russian) Machine

If you are an FPS fan, you’ve probably racked up an immeasurably high virtual body count using hundreds, if not thousands, of different weapons. From auto-shotguns, to plastic explosives, to chainsaw rifles, you’ve seen it all. But after doing away with so many of these video game bad guys, you may occasionally start to wonder what these weapons would look like in real life. But, instead of going postal and proving Fox News and the Jack Thompsons of the world right, check out one of my favorite Youtube channels: FPS Russia.

FPS Russia is a channel comprised of videos made by a charmingly insane guy who dubs himself the “Professional Russian”. Although it’s unclear whether or not he’s actually Russian, what is clear is that he gets his hands on some serious hardware. Being the gamer that he is, our rusky hero often custom builds these splendid objects of annihilation to imitate well known weapons from video games, such as this real life version of the RC XD in Call of Duty: Black Ops. If you like, you can also watch him vent his frustration when his Xbox dies. Who hasn’t wanted to do this to their Xbox when they are mocked by those god damn red rings of death?

One of his most recent videos his centered around weapons from Id’s upcoming title; RAGE. This is truly a must see video if you’ve ever wondered what would happen in real life to a mutant if you shot him with a magazine fed 12-gauge shotgun, an automatic rifle, and an exploding crossbow. Yeah, you read that last part right, a FUCKING EXPLODING CROSSBOW!

Developed by Id and published by Bethesda, the upcoming post-apocalyptic sand box game RAGE is slated for release on PC, PS3, and Xbox 360 on October 4^th in the states, and October 7^th in Europe.

*Find this original feature and others like it at RobotGeek.co.uk*

GameStop Removes Onlive Coupons from Deus Ex: Human Revolution

Although GameStop’s strict return policy does not allow their customers to return new video games once they’ve been opened, the retail giant has no qualms about opening new games themselves. Just as this hurricane ravages my neighborhood (seriously, hurricane Irene is kicking the shit out of everything), a scandal has been ravaging game forums across the internet.

GameStop HQ recently sent out this letter to employees in retail outlets across the country regarding PC copies of the Square Enix title Deus Ex: Human Revolution. The letter, which leaked onto the internet days ago, instructs all employees to open new copies of Deus Ex in order to “remove and discard” OnLive coupons. The coupon, which would allow consumers to download and play a second digital copy of the game using the cloud based service, would essentially compete with GameStop’s relatively new attempts at digital distribution service via Impulse, Spawn Labs, and Kongregate.

According to a response issued on GameStop’s Facebook page, the reason for this covert removal is because “Square Enix packed a competitor’s coupon within the PC version of Deus Ex: Human Revolution without our prior knowledge…” With Square Enix and OnLive yet to formally respond, it’s unclear whether the blame lies with Square Enix’s clandestine attempts to provide the consumer with an extra $50 value, or somewhere in the possibly negligent chain of command at GameStop.

Although this editor was not personally short-changed by GameStop, I feel the consumer’s pain. In 1994 I innocently ventured into KB Toys and purchased a copy of Jammit for the Sega Genesis. This obscure, and often insanely frustrating, street basketball game was supposed to come packaged with a music CD. While walking back into the mall and excitedly opening the box, I found the game cartridge, instruction manual, and an empty disc tray. After speaking with an apathetic store employee who referred me to his elderly and spiteful manager, I was informed that the music CD was removed because it contained lyrics that KB Toys considered to be inappropriate. Apparently, KB Toys felt that not only could they remove an item from a new game without telling the consumer, but that they considered themselves to be officials on the subject of what would undoubtedly cripple a child’s psyche. Despite my consumer outrage, 12-year-olds have surprisingly little weight to throw around regarding retail legalities. Without receiving any sort of compensation, I was forcibly removed from the store and informed that I could not receive a refund because I had opened the game! I was then made to sit on the curb outside of the mall and wait for my parents to pick me up while I stewed in my contempt for KB Toys.

But I digress.

After the initial consumer backlash regarding the Deus Ex scandal, GameStop completely removed the PC version of the game from store shelves. An apology was then issued to both customers and store managers via email. The apology contained a peace offering of both a $50 GameStop gift card, and a “Buy 2 Get One Free” deal regarding pre-owned games.

As a consumer who has been burned by retail outlets in the past, you must forgive my skepticism. Would this apology been issued had the memo not been leaked to the press? Also, what are you apologizing for, GameStop? Is it because you genuinely feel bad that you essentially removed $50 from your product without telling the consumer, or was it because you were caught?

*Find this original feature and others like it at RobotGeek.co.uk*

Would You Kindly... Seriously, Would You?

Is “The Man” holding you down? Are societal laws cramping your individualistic sensibilities? Are you itching to watch a good monkey knife fight? A group of millionaires from Silicon Valley share your pain and are currently developing a cure to what ails you.

With PayPal founder Peter Thiel’s $1.25 million investment, the group has launched The Seasteading Institute, an organization focused on creating experimental oceanic homesteads “with diverse social, political, and legal systems.” In a statement to the public, Thiel said “”Decades from now, those looking back at the start of the century will understand that Seasteading was an obvious step towards encouraging the development of more efficient, practical public-sector models around the world.”

As crazy as this may sound, The Seasteading Institute is not the first of its kind. Las Vegas millionaire Michael Oliver’s Republic of Minerva, and the $10 billion dollar Freedom Ship are just a few real world examples of failed attempts at Andrew Ryan’s wet dream. Although it may sound like Peter Thiel smoked a little too much weed and played a little too much Bioshock, The Seasteading Institute means business as they plan on placing their first prototype into the San Francisco Bay within the next two years.

The institute’s prototype is a scaled down and modified version of an actual off-shore oil rig design known as the spar platform. The design consists of an enormous concrete cylinder that would float vertically in the ocean. Large external ballasts connected to the bottom of the rig could be filled with air or water in order to raise or lower the structure in order to withstand harsh weather. The individual living spaces would be approximately 300 square feet per person and would be located within the tube. The top of the platform would house gardens, solar panels, satellites, and wind turbines.

But don’t hop into that rowboat just yet; a few of the major kinks have yet to be ironed out. One such kink involves defense. When asked about defensive strategies for things like pirates and other attacking nations, representatives from The Seasteading Institute side-stepped the issue, claiming that simple firearms should be enough to stave off an improbable attack. Also, let us not forget one of video gaming’s golden rules: Isolated dystopian societies inevitably lead to annoying boss battles.

For more information, check out The Seasteading Institute’s home page here.

*Find this original feature and others like it at RobotGeek.co.uk*

Unnecessary Interviews: GameStop Manager

In less than 30 years, the American entertainment software company known as GameStop has grown from a small store in Texas, to a multinational corporation with over 6,500 retail outlets in over 18 countries worldwide. The company owns EB Games, Babbage’s, Micromania, MovieStop, Planet X, FuncoLand, Kongregate.com, Jolt Online Gaming, and Game Informer Magazine. Odds are, if you are a gamer you have purchased something from GameStop. Last week I snagged the following interview with the manager of a nearby GameStop retail outlet. In order to protect the innocent (and for legal purposes) the identity of the employee will remain anonymous. However, for the purposes of the interview, he requested that I refer to him as “Jose”. Here is my candid interview with Jose, the anonymous GameStop manager.

Jose, how old are you?

35.

How long have you been working here at GameStop?

5 years.

So what made you want to work here?

I had to pay my bills.

No other reason?

It’s fun, but the main motivation of course is to pay your bills. You get to deal with different people and stuff like that.

Do you consider yourself a gamer?

Casual.

How long have you been playing video games?

Oh, pshhhh. Definitely over 20 years.

(It was at this moment we paused the interview so Jose could deal with a customer. The customer was a mother with two pre-teen boys. She carried in an Xbox and informed Jose that the lights had “gone red”. Jose then informed her that Xbox consoles often have this problem. Although Jose continued to tell her that this problem would persist unless she had it repaired or purchased a new console, she insisted that it was because of a bad power cord that needed to be replaced. After debating with Jose for approximately 20 minutes, she left with her children, telling Jose that she would “need to think about it”.)

So what would you say is your favorite part about the job?

We get to go to game conferences every year. Plus, truthfully, as corny as it sounds, I like dealing with the customers. You build a lot of relationships with people because you get to talk to them one on one. You get a lot of regular customers.

What would you say is the worst part of your job?

To be completely honest with you, there’s not really anything I can pinpoint that I would say is the worst part about the job. There’s something different all the time.

So there is NOTHING at all you dread dealing with at work?

No. Really, honestly, no.

That’s great to find when working in retail.

It is good in retail. There’s nothing I can say bad at all. I’ve worked a lot of places and this is pretty good. I’ll give them that.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve had to deal with while working at GameStop?

At the Grand Theft Auto IV midnight release a customer was threatening everybody else, saying he was going to shoot them with M16s because he wanted to be first in line. He said he served in the military so he thought it was his right to get Grand Theft Auto IV first.

He thought he was a Liberty City gangster?

(Laughs) Yeah, but then a kid in line told him to get out of here. It was kind of funny.

Were police called to deal with it?

No, the customers dealt with it.

Did he get a copy of GTA IV?

No, we told him to go to Best Buy. He didn’t have a pre-order and he basically just pulled up in his car and there were like 300 people in line and he wanted to jump in the front. Everybody flipped out on him and he said he was going to shoot everyone with M16s. Then they (the crowd of people in line) said unless you have the M16 with you, get to the back of the line.

What do you think about GameStop’s trade-in and used game program?

I think it makes 100% sense. You have games that you don’t use, that you can basically recycle, whatever the price. Personally, I trade all my games in. Whenever my kid wants something, we get rid of something else. We have a lot of good promotions too so you’re always getting something, but sometimes you’re getting even more. I like it.

What would you say is the most “traded-in” game?

Brink! That game stunk! There were a lot of Brinks returned. But on a regular basis it’s typically controllers.

Some people criticize used game sales, claiming it’s damaging to the industry because developers and publishers don’t receive money from used games. Gamestop’s focus on used games sales in their advertising campaigns, as well as the fact that many of their used games are only a few dollars less than new copies, has made Gamestop a target in this debate. What is your opinion on this subject?

People are going to target you when you’re the best. Everybody wants a piece of it. They’re even selling video games over in Shaw’s (a local grocery store) now. They sell them at 7-Eleven! Gamestop, if you look at the numbers, is the number one video game retailer. We may hurt publisher’s sales, but we help their sales more than any other company.

(Although it is true that GameStop does claim to be the world’s largest video game retailer, even after conducting extensive internet searches I was unable to confirm or disprove this statement. However, it was learned that in the fiscal year ending May 2010, 48.1% of all GameStop’s profits came from the sale of used video game products. None of these profits were passed on to the publishers or developers.)

Do you buy used games?

Yeah, because you can return them! You can’t go to Best Buy or Wal-mart, buy a game, keep it for seven days, and return it if you don’t like it.

I think Wal-Mart is starting to sell used games now?

No they’re not. If you spend $60 on a new game and don’t like it, you can’t return it! For instance, I bought Brink and hated it. If I had waited and bought a used copy I could have got all of my money back when I returned it. It’s a win/win situation.

(It was later confirmed that the local Wal-Mart did not buy or sell used games. However, as of December 2010, over 500 Wal-Marts nationwide are selling used video games. Used games are also available for purchase on WalMart.com. It was also confirmed that the local Best Buy currently does not participate in used game sales, but not for lack of trying. Until the town grants a pawnbroker’s license to the store, they would not be able to sell used games. However, Best Buy outlets in nearby towns were already selling used games and used games are available on BestBuy.com)

So if I buy a used game and return it within 7 days I can receive a full refund?

Yep. No questions asked. The only thing we will ask you is why you are returning it and that’s our policy, as long as you have the receipt. There is no other store that will do that. In this economy, $5 is $5. You’re paying $5 less for the same thing. We’re not buying used underwear; you know what I’m saying? It’s a video game. If you can save $5 and still get the same thing out of the game, why not? I fully agree with it and I believe that’s why other companies will attack us. They want a piece of it. That’s why other companies like Best Buy and Toys R Us are starting to do it. It’s not because we’re doing something wrong. It’s because we’re doing something right.

(It was later confirmed that Toys R Us will not provide a complete cash refund on any video game sale if the game has been opened. But, if the customer has a receipt, they may return their game for store credit equal to the value of the game for up to 45 days after purchase. This policy includes both new and used games. GameStop will not provide any sort of refund for opened new games, regardless of the length of time gone by since the purchase, nor if the customer still has their receipt. They will however allow for the replacement of a game if it is defective. Best Buy’s return policy matches that of GameStop and does not allow refunds for any opened game.)

What would you say is your favorite game of all time?

At first I would say Missile Command for Atari, but I think I have to go with Uncharted 2. I think Uncharted 3 is going to be better. The beta was incredible.

Well thank you for your time, Jose. Have a good day.

Thanks, bro.

*Find this original feature and others like it at RobotGeek.co.uk*

The Very Finest Art

The iam8bit Art Show returns next week, making this the 5th year for the ever growing group art exhibition. For those of you unfamiliar with iam8bit, it is a month-long art show that features paintings, sculptures, plush creations, and interactive artworks, all of which have one thing in common; retro video games.

This year’s exhibition, dubbed Super iam8bit, will be bigger than ever. Opening on Thursday, August 11th, at 2174 W Sunset Boulevard, in Los Angeles, California, the show floor will be nearly 5 times the original size of the first gallery floor in 2005. The show will be packed with works from over 100 artists, all commemorating the retro gaming goodness we know and love. Some of this year’s more notable exhibits will include a tribute to Galaga’s 30th anniversary, featuring the world’s largest arcade cabinet, and a “retro-fied” hacked Kinect created by Drew Skillman of Double Fine.

If, like me, you lack both the money and means of conveyance to reach this retro gaming Mecca, you can still enjoy these classic works of art. Super iam8bit, the sequel to Chronicle Books’ 2006 publication iam8bit: Art Inspired by Classic Video Games of the ‘80s, will also be available for purchase on the opening day of the show. This beautiful 160 page book features video game inspired artwork by over 80 artists, as well as a foreword by host and producer of Attack of the Show, Kevin Pereira.

The show has won praise from publications such as CNN, MSNBC, Playboy, G4, MTV, and was even named “Best Art Show” by LA Weekly. With such impressive growth in only four years, the iam8bit Art Exhibition shows no signs of slowing down. Best of all, it sends a striking message to the Jack Thompsons of the world: Gamers are here to stay, and there is nothing you can do about it.

For more information about iam8bit, check out their website here.

*Find this original feature and others like it at RobotGeek.co.uk*

Getting Board with Gears of War?

Not long ago I found myself on Xbox Live with a few friends, blasting wave after wave of Locusts in the widely beloved Horde Mode of Gears of War 2 when something unexpected occurred. Instead of the usual warm squishy feeling of satisfaction after popping the skull of a Locust grub with my trusty sniper rifle, I felt only emptiness. I felt a dark void that I later learned could only be filled with three things: dice, playing cards, and plastic figurines.

Fortunately, the guys over at Fantasy Flight Games know of my completely fabricated yearnings, and have created Gears of War: The Board Game. So on August 31st, for the low price of $80.00, you can turn off your Xbox, drive to a friend’s house, and start rolling your attack dice.

Apparently, I have not (yet) imbibed quite enough whiskey and cigar smoke to properly explain the game to consumers, so watch the movie below if you’d like to know more.

The price tag is a bit steep for your average consumer, but the game will undoubtedly appeal to the more hardcore GOW collectors. Personally, I feel that the obvious lack of online play, and the completely unnecessary over-complication of an already fun combat system makes it impossible to play Gears of War the way it was intended: drunk. If you want to get drunk and play board games, Milton Bradley’s Sorry is the way to go. However, I must admit that getting bumped off of that damn slide does occasionally make one want to plunge a chainsaw into someone’s face.


*Find this original feature and others like it at RobotGeek.co.uk*

The Nintendo 3DS Situation gets Interesting

Despite Nintendo’s claim it has sold more than 830,000 3DS units in the US, Nintendo stock is currently still at a disappointing 5-year low.

I know I have been flirting with the idea of 3DS ownership since its launch in March. However, the 3DS has yet to blow my skirt up. (Figuratively, I assure you. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a skirt until early fall.) It appears as though I am not the only gamer flirting with the handheld system and the Nintendo marketing department knows it. Nintendo recently announced that they will be rewarding 3DS owners by bestowing upon them the honorable title of “Nintendo 3DS Ambassador.” Anyone who owns a 3DS system and connects to the Nintendo eShop before 11:59 PM EST on August 11^th, 2011, will be automatically inducted into the “Nintendo 3DS Ambassador” program. This prestigious sounding club will grant its members access to 10 free NES Virtual Console games on September 1^st. These titles include The Legend of Zelda, Ice Climber, Super Mario Bros, Donkey Kong Jr, Ice Climber, and Balloon Fight. Also included in the program is free access to 10 Game Boy Advance Virtual Console games before the end of 2011. According to Nintendo, access to the GBA games (which include Super Mario Advance 3, Mario Kart: Super Circuit, and Metroid Fusion) is exclusive and will not be available to anyone outside of the program.

What’s with this magical Cinderella deadline of August 11^th you ask? Nintendo also announced that on August 12^th, the price of the 3DS will be drastically dropped to $169.99 in the states, and 15,000 Yen in Japan. Although the new price of the system in Europe has yet to be announced, sources claim the price will be similarly reduced approximately 30%.

It appears as though Nintendo is finally making a concerted effort at blowing up my (completely figurative) skirt. These announcements, coupled with this year’s 3DS lineup (including Super Mario Land 3D, Mario Kart 7, and Star Fox 64 3D) are making an offer that is tough to refuse.

Now, the only decision I have to make is whether or not I want to be an “Ambassador”. The title sounds like a lot of responsibility, but I’ll do it if I get to wear a cool robe.

It's 10 pm. Do You Know Who's Defending Your Universe?

The planet is overpopulated, we’re running out of fossil fuels, and global warming is an ever increasing threat. It truly is a great time to be alive. Not because of the stuff I previously mentioned, but because my generation is slowly beginning to take over the video game industry, bringing with it many of the things I loved as a child.In February, THQ announced it’s partnership with World Events Productions, giving them the rights to begin work on a new game based on the classic 80s cartoon series Voltron: Defender of the Universe. Following up on that announcement, THQ released further information regarding the project at this year’s Comic Con, revealing that the game would be a downloadable title on both Xbox Live Arcade and the PlayStation Network.

The game will allow both 2 player local co-op, and up to 5 player online co-op. Players will get to control their very own bad ass robot space lion, each with their own elemental powers. Players will also be able to combine their lions, forming Voltron, and must then work together to wield his mighty sword and battle King Zarkon. If you have played any online games, you know that getting 5 people to cooperate during a simple game of capture the flag is difficult enough. How 5 people simultaneously controlling one giant robot will work remains to be seen. Personally, I am picturing one enormous space robot QWOP.


With poor scores surrounding developer Behaviour Interactive’s last retro property title Ghostbusters: Sanctum of Slime, and the fact that Voltron looks a tad rough around the edges in the trailer, I am desperately trying to keep my expectations low. But, as you can see, I’m a hopeless nerd and will probably be buying this game day one.

Coinciding with the new Voltron Force cartoon series on Nicktoons, Voltron: Defender of the Universe will be available this October on both PSN and XBLA for approximately $10.00. Behaviour Interactive, please take care and make a decent Voltron game. You wouldn’t want to upset my inner child, he’s a biter.





*Find this original feature and others like it at RobotGeek.co.uk*

Halo CE: Anniversary Pre-order Bonus

Have you been sitting in front of your Xbox 360 feeling out of touch? Has your Xbox Live avatar been complaining that they hate everything in their little virtual avatar closet? When you shoot a grunt in the face are you no longer satiated by alien blood and the occasional confetti hooray? Well I’m here to tell you that there’s good news and bad news for your situation.

First, let’s get the bad news out of the way. The bad news is that you may need to see a psychologist, or start taking some serious drugs. These feelings aren’t normal and the average person spends little to no time thinking about this kind of crap. Get yourself some help right away or you will undoubtedly become a threat to yourself and your loved ones.

The good news is your brain, horribly beyond repair as it may be, is about to have its twisted little prayers answered. Microsoft recently announced that they have jumped on the pre-order bonus bandwagon and will be giving away Master Chief Avatar Armor and the exclusive Grunt Funeral Skull to all those who just can’t wait to lay their money down. The avatar outfit will be modeled after Chief’s MJOLNIR Powered Assault Armor, including an oversize helmet to complete that bobblehead look. The Grunt Funeral Skull, much like the Grunt Birthday Party Skull, makes murdering those cute little buggers even more amusing. However, instead of a simple confetti celebration for headshots, this new skull will cause the methane tanks on the backs of the grunts to explode into a ball of plasma moments after their death. But don’t take my word for it, check out the following clip.


Although I admit that I am fairly excited to play through an entirely remodeled Halo CE campaign, especially with the option for online co-op, I must admit this bonus isn’t that much more exciting than horse armor. Where’s my warthog armor, Microsoft?

Look for Halo CE: Anniversary on November 15, 2011, exactly 10 years to the date after the original.

*Find this original feature and others like it at RobotGeek.co.uk*

It's Only Natural

This is what happens when you combine sleep deprivation with boredom.

Skyrim E3 Gameplay Demo!

Attention fellow Elder Scrolls nerds! Come drool over G4 TV's exclusive Skyrim gameplay video! This colossal demo show off the intricate environmental details, as well as player combat, spell casting, shout abilities, NPC conversations, player inventory, and wildlife behavior. ...Oh yeah, did I mention the dragons?

If you have a Skyrim boner, prepare to be fully engorged!

PS3 Games - E3 2011 - The Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim

Life Outside of Aperture Science

When something is as beloved by geek culture as Portal, it's inevitable that the internet will eventually become saturated with annoying references. "The cake is a lie" for instance is meme that I'm sure most of us are pretty sick of hearing. However, this short fan made film is pretty successful in bringing the viewer back into the "Half-Life" universe. This realistic portrayal of Chell's life after escaping from the Portal testing facility packs in a ton of game references without coming off as hokey, cornball, or pretentious. If you're a Portal fan, definitely give it a look.

Nicely done EisenFeuer!

Don’t Be That Guy: The 10 Worst Types of Gamer

When the concept of online gaming was stolen from the Internet Gods and bestowed upon the people, our universe was forever changed.  Multiplayer matches were no longer restricted to living room couches!  You could always find someone online to play games with!  You could make friends all over the world who share your love of gaming!  The potential for awesome seemed limitless.

Unfortunately, this revolution birthed an equation so horrifically simple, no one could have predicted it.  Average Person + Anonymity + Large Audience = Asshole.  Originally known as Griefers, these parasitic bags of shit feed off of the negativity of others and strive to ruin fun.
As online gaming has evolved, so too has the Griefer.  Aside from the obilagotry sexist, racist, and homophobe, new Griefers have emerged.  Here are 10 unique breeds of douche bag who have become commonplace in online game lobbies.

The Youngin

Most often found in the lobbies of “Mature” rated games, these snot-nosed bitches clearly should have been aborted by their lazy, neglectful parents.  They are loud, obnoxious, and typically enjoy shouting the new curse word they heard daddy call mommy last night.  They also enjoy screaming into the microphone while explaining some sort of obvious bullshit they recently discovered, or asking idiotic questions that no one cares to answer.  Dealing with these kids is the online version of birth control.

The Undiscovered Rap Star

These winners are usually found playing games in the middle of the day due to their lack of employment.  Rather than getting out of the house and working towards a real music career, these narcisitic pricks will spam the mic with their unintelligible rhymes until your ears bleed.  Unable to take any criticism, they are adamant in the notion they are disliked only by those who are jealous of their “big-baller”, unemployed, lifestyle.

The Complainer

The game is against them.  The only reason they ever lose a match is because of lag, cheating, or the competition obviously has no life and plays too many video games.  Often, the games that they play are, at their core, complete bullshit.  These whining little sad sacks are constantly throwing their own personal pity-party and everyone (like it or not) is invited.

The iGangster

Sick of being intimidated by actual tough guys in real life, this thuggish bad ass will pop caps in your ass if you cross him online.  Empowered by watching every gangster movie hundreds of times, this pussy and his “Scarface” shirt are comfortable in making threats of violence only to those who are safely on the other side of an internet connection.

One the most annoying breeds of Griefer, this cry baby will typically make their presence known when a teammate takes a vehicle or weapon that they wanted to use.  This breed lacks the ability to feel compassion, and shows no interest in winning any games unless you play by their rules.  Habitually quitting (or being kicked from) matches doesn’t bother them in the least, and if they don’t get what they want, no one will.  Seriously, fuck these guys.

The Radio DJ

The most mysterious of the breeds, this dipshit’s motivation is still unclear.  Instead of speaking, they blast incohernet music through their microphone.  It’s difficult to determine if they are unaware of their music volume, if they are purposely trying to irritate people, or if they think others actually enjoy listening to their crap music.  Even if they were playing a song I enjoyed, I would rather pour hot piss into my ears then listen to a heavily distorted version from their microphone.

The Microphone Moron

A close cousin of the “Radio DJ”, this is the least intelligent of all the breeds.  Rather than maliciously causing online grief, this dolt innocently spreads misery through stupidity.  Seemingly baffled by technology, this imbecile has no ability to control their microphone.  If they aren’t breathing heavily into the microphone like a drunken ex-boyfriend during a midnight phone call, they are annoying their teammates by talking to non-gamers in the background.  If you find yourself playing with one of these jerk-offs and they have gone silent for awhile, odds are they have accidentally muted themselves and are confused as to why no one will talk to them.

The Proud Pothead

Whatever you do in your personal life is your own business.  However, pot smokers seem to be the only ones who are unwavering in their crusade to let everyone online know that they love weed.  You never see “HeroinJunkyCokeSniffer” as a gamertag!  If their online name doesn’t include weed, grass, 420, or some obscure reference to marijuana, their avatar is sure to be a pot leaf.  The desire to advertise their habit confirms that they are truly only concerned with looking cool.

The Stat Snob

This breed is clearly too good for you.  Although they aren’t technically sponsored, and don’t have an employer to get in the way of maxing their level caps on launch day, they consider themselves “Pro Gamers”.  After all, they did buy that MLG sweatshirt online.  This self-righteous prick doesn’t give a damn about others, and is typically only concerned with improving their Kill/Death Ratio.  If they ever lose a match it’s only because of their loser teammates.  What’s truly amazing about this breed is their ability to keep their eyes on the game with their head so far up their own ass.

The Glitcher/Hacker

Motivated by the desire to win at any cost, this shitdick will spend hours trying to break a game by discovering glitches that the testers missed.  After finding these hidden gems, the Glitcher will exploit these advantages online until enough people complain and a patch is released.  When a Glitcher can no longer exploit weak spots in a game’s programming, they often evolve into the Hacker.  The Hacker’s level of cheating is so obscene it is often comedic.  When you find yourself armed with an unloaded pistol while the competition wields a giant golden cock that shoots fiery chainsaw missles wrapped in Cancer, you may be playing against a Hacker.


So what does all this shitty behavior say about the gaming population?  Are gamers more inclined to dickish behavior?  Do certain games like Halo and Call of Duty naturally attract shitty human beings?  Of course not.  The truth is, a certain small percentage of the human populace is naturally shitty.  Therefore, any individual community is certain to have its own small group of shitty people.  Consequently, any community (the online gaming community for instance) that experiences a dramatic population growth will, in turn, have a growth in the number of shitty people.  If certain games have large audiences, you are bound to run into more Griefers.  More People = More Shitty People.

So I hear you asking; “Corey, oh awesome dude with all the answers, how do we combat these giant Bags O’ Douche and keep them from ruining our online fun?”  Never fear good citizen, for the answer is simple.  The majority of Griefers can be rendered powerless with a painless click of the mute button.

Stop Playing With Yourself

Awhile back I disconnected both my PS3 and Xbox 360, put them into a cardboard box along with their respective games, and drove four hours north with my brother-in-law.  Why did we do this, you ask?  Because of a shared memory.   A memory created over a decade ago.  A memory shared mostly by fellow gamers above the age of 20.  This, my friend, is the fond memory of the great gaming ritual known as the LAN party.
The LAN (Local Area Network) party is a gem lost in time.  In the days before Xbox Live and PSN, in order to play against other people you had to connect your consoles together via ethernet cable.  If you managed to get eight or more individuals together with multiple consoles, a hub was typically used.  The amount of people you could get into one game was then only limited by the particular game lobbies themselves.  If my memory serves me correctly, Halo: CE allowed for up to 16 players, enabling epic games of 8v8 capture the flag.  Playing face-to-face with your friends in “real-life” game lobbies takes friendly trash talking to a whole new level.

You may ask yourself; what’s the point?  Why haul around my console and television to play video games with the same people I play with over Xbox Live or PSN everyday?  Well Mr. Skeptic-that-I-made-up-for-this-article, I cannot answer that question.  I can only tell you that the answer you seek can only be found at a LAN party.

The appeal of the LAN party harkens back to the days when multiplayer meant that you had to share the couch with friends.  Back then, multiplayer gaming was a true social experience.  Don’t get me wrong, Xbox Live and PSN are obviously both social experiences. However, with the internet comes anonymity, which then erodes the innate social interaction.  Online, people rarely treat each other with the same respect they do in person.  Would a scrawny 11-year-old call your mother a whore and start team killing if you were in the same room?  Probably not.  The great thing about LAN parties is that not only are they typically made up of your friends, but they are always attended by like minded gamers who share a love of gaming, not griefing.

We named our gathering the first annual FALP (F*cking Awesome LAN Party).  For those gamers out there who have never participated in a LAN party, I implore you to do so.  For those of you who remember going to LAN parties, I also urge you to rekindle your love for social, in person gaming, and try to organize your own FALP.  Change the name if you want, but just keep the spirit alive.  Because even though 36 hours of gaming, pizza, and booze left me hung over with dry eyes and one “red-ringed” Xbox, I cannot wait for next year.

Earthworm Jim HD Review

"Gameloft reintroduces that other thing I discovered when I was 13 that almost gave me carpal tunnel."

Written by Entrepreneur of Awesome: Corey Atwood

Published By:  Gameloft

Developed By:  Gameloft

Release Date:  June 09, 2010

Available on:  XBLA, PSN, WiiWare

Rated:  E10+

Number of Players:  1 – 4 players co-op both offline and online

It’s impossible to explain how insanely awesome it was when Earthworm Jim first made his debut on the Genesis and SNES to someone who didn’t play video games in 1994.  You may was well try and explain to today’s teenagers why your first set of walkie-talkies kicked ass as they text their friends while looking at Facebook.  They won’t understand.   In fact, some of you may not have even been alive in 1994.  (Wow, I feel old as fuck!)

Let me preface this review by admitting that I have a pretty big nostalgia boner for EWJ.  This game has been in my top three of “God I hope they make an HD remake for this game”, right behind NBA Jam and Ducktails.  When I learned that an HD remake of Earthworm Jim was a reality, it was like a handjob in a dark-roomed orgy; joy, followed up quickly by suspicion, defensiveness and a need to investigate.  If they remake one of my faves, it better kick ass. 

This is definitely one of the first TRUE HD remakes of an old-school game.  Even though the graphics for EWJ were considered awesome back in the day, the HD treatment really does a body good.  The animations are crisp, clear, and perfectly cleaned up for HD.    Rather than take “creative liberties” with the characters and levels as some remakes do, Gameloft knows that if it wasn’t broke, don’t fix it. 

All the classic sound effects and original musical scores for each level are present and like all the other aspects of the game, have received a nice spit-shine and polish.

The sweet platformer action that you remember from the original still holds up well.  Especially with all the little tweaks added such as an added life bar for bosses and the ability to switch between plasma and regular fire for your blaster. 

The other big additions to the game are a few new bonus levels with new bosses, and 4-player co-op.  The new levels and bosses fit perfectly into the warped EWJ universe and feel right at home.  I especially enjoyed battling Gameloft’s homage to keyboard cat.  Other additions include the achievements (or trophies), and a few avatar awards that actually made me a little jealous of my little Xbox dude.

            My only real gripe with the game is the clunky controls.  Although whip-swinging seemed easier in this version than the old, it’s clear that this game was never intended to be played with an analog stick.  I often found myself randomly walking off ledges for no apparent reason.  This is probably the only game I have played where I preferred using the Xbox’s shitty D-pad over the analog stick.  Also, although it’s not a major complaint, the EWJ-nerd-purist in me was a little bummed when I discovered that they didn’t use the EXACT same music and sound effects from the original.  However, the new music and sound effects are nearly identical and I doubt most people would even notice.

Even if this game doesn’t massage your nostalgia prostate, Earthworm Jim stands the test of time and is still a great platformer.  With all the new content, 4-player co-op, and the slight tweaks to the gameplay, it is definitely worth ten bucks for the grooviest version of any Earthworm Jim game out there.

Overall Score:  8 out of 10