Don’t Be That Guy: The 10 Worst Types of Gamer

When the concept of online gaming was stolen from the Internet Gods and bestowed upon the people, our universe was forever changed.  Multiplayer matches were no longer restricted to living room couches!  You could always find someone online to play games with!  You could make friends all over the world who share your love of gaming!  The potential for awesome seemed limitless.

Unfortunately, this revolution birthed an equation so horrifically simple, no one could have predicted it.  Average Person + Anonymity + Large Audience = Asshole.  Originally known as Griefers, these parasitic bags of shit feed off of the negativity of others and strive to ruin fun.
As online gaming has evolved, so too has the Griefer.  Aside from the obilagotry sexist, racist, and homophobe, new Griefers have emerged.  Here are 10 unique breeds of douche bag who have become commonplace in online game lobbies.

The Youngin

Most often found in the lobbies of “Mature” rated games, these snot-nosed bitches clearly should have been aborted by their lazy, neglectful parents.  They are loud, obnoxious, and typically enjoy shouting the new curse word they heard daddy call mommy last night.  They also enjoy screaming into the microphone while explaining some sort of obvious bullshit they recently discovered, or asking idiotic questions that no one cares to answer.  Dealing with these kids is the online version of birth control.

The Undiscovered Rap Star

These winners are usually found playing games in the middle of the day due to their lack of employment.  Rather than getting out of the house and working towards a real music career, these narcisitic pricks will spam the mic with their unintelligible rhymes until your ears bleed.  Unable to take any criticism, they are adamant in the notion they are disliked only by those who are jealous of their “big-baller”, unemployed, lifestyle.

The Complainer

The game is against them.  The only reason they ever lose a match is because of lag, cheating, or the competition obviously has no life and plays too many video games.  Often, the games that they play are, at their core, complete bullshit.  These whining little sad sacks are constantly throwing their own personal pity-party and everyone (like it or not) is invited.

The iGangster

Sick of being intimidated by actual tough guys in real life, this thuggish bad ass will pop caps in your ass if you cross him online.  Empowered by watching every gangster movie hundreds of times, this pussy and his “Scarface” shirt are comfortable in making threats of violence only to those who are safely on the other side of an internet connection.

One the most annoying breeds of Griefer, this cry baby will typically make their presence known when a teammate takes a vehicle or weapon that they wanted to use.  This breed lacks the ability to feel compassion, and shows no interest in winning any games unless you play by their rules.  Habitually quitting (or being kicked from) matches doesn’t bother them in the least, and if they don’t get what they want, no one will.  Seriously, fuck these guys.

The Radio DJ

The most mysterious of the breeds, this dipshit’s motivation is still unclear.  Instead of speaking, they blast incohernet music through their microphone.  It’s difficult to determine if they are unaware of their music volume, if they are purposely trying to irritate people, or if they think others actually enjoy listening to their crap music.  Even if they were playing a song I enjoyed, I would rather pour hot piss into my ears then listen to a heavily distorted version from their microphone.

The Microphone Moron

A close cousin of the “Radio DJ”, this is the least intelligent of all the breeds.  Rather than maliciously causing online grief, this dolt innocently spreads misery through stupidity.  Seemingly baffled by technology, this imbecile has no ability to control their microphone.  If they aren’t breathing heavily into the microphone like a drunken ex-boyfriend during a midnight phone call, they are annoying their teammates by talking to non-gamers in the background.  If you find yourself playing with one of these jerk-offs and they have gone silent for awhile, odds are they have accidentally muted themselves and are confused as to why no one will talk to them.

The Proud Pothead

Whatever you do in your personal life is your own business.  However, pot smokers seem to be the only ones who are unwavering in their crusade to let everyone online know that they love weed.  You never see “HeroinJunkyCokeSniffer” as a gamertag!  If their online name doesn’t include weed, grass, 420, or some obscure reference to marijuana, their avatar is sure to be a pot leaf.  The desire to advertise their habit confirms that they are truly only concerned with looking cool.

The Stat Snob

This breed is clearly too good for you.  Although they aren’t technically sponsored, and don’t have an employer to get in the way of maxing their level caps on launch day, they consider themselves “Pro Gamers”.  After all, they did buy that MLG sweatshirt online.  This self-righteous prick doesn’t give a damn about others, and is typically only concerned with improving their Kill/Death Ratio.  If they ever lose a match it’s only because of their loser teammates.  What’s truly amazing about this breed is their ability to keep their eyes on the game with their head so far up their own ass.

The Glitcher/Hacker

Motivated by the desire to win at any cost, this shitdick will spend hours trying to break a game by discovering glitches that the testers missed.  After finding these hidden gems, the Glitcher will exploit these advantages online until enough people complain and a patch is released.  When a Glitcher can no longer exploit weak spots in a game’s programming, they often evolve into the Hacker.  The Hacker’s level of cheating is so obscene it is often comedic.  When you find yourself armed with an unloaded pistol while the competition wields a giant golden cock that shoots fiery chainsaw missles wrapped in Cancer, you may be playing against a Hacker.


So what does all this shitty behavior say about the gaming population?  Are gamers more inclined to dickish behavior?  Do certain games like Halo and Call of Duty naturally attract shitty human beings?  Of course not.  The truth is, a certain small percentage of the human populace is naturally shitty.  Therefore, any individual community is certain to have its own small group of shitty people.  Consequently, any community (the online gaming community for instance) that experiences a dramatic population growth will, in turn, have a growth in the number of shitty people.  If certain games have large audiences, you are bound to run into more Griefers.  More People = More Shitty People.

So I hear you asking; “Corey, oh awesome dude with all the answers, how do we combat these giant Bags O’ Douche and keep them from ruining our online fun?”  Never fear good citizen, for the answer is simple.  The majority of Griefers can be rendered powerless with a painless click of the mute button.